Fifty-Four Days
by BrookeSutter
Summary: One-shot, maybe? I'm not sure: "Knowing Clarke, she'll try to interrupt because it's her M.O. and somewhere in those short fifty-four days, I learned to read her like a book."


Fifty-Four Days

It's been almost five years since the chilly August night where my entire life finally fell apart, and I can still feel the way the realization settled on my chest like stiff rubble—no matter what, I can safely say that if I could relive that night, I wouldn't be three sheets to the wind drunk, sitting alone in the dark with tears in my eyes. I'm certain of a lot of things, really, when it comes to the things I would not do. There's no way in hell I would sleep with Mel, Harper or even Echo even if they each, individually, brought something to the table when it came to sex. I wouldn't go there, not if I could have the time I spent moping instead, back.

I wouldn't have had too much moonshine, or punched Murphy in the face when he said the "C" word. I wouldn't have a bruise on my eye the size of the circular disk Miller tossed at the back of my head after being an ass earlier that day because Lincoln got fed up with my shit and punched me in the face. I wouldn't fight with Octavia over Lincoln and her moving in together—or the fact that they'd already done it.

No, I would walk _home—_the only home I've ever truly known—and feel the ruins of my, our, former empire beneath my ratted boots. The crunch of the crisp roots, the tell-tale signs of scavenging and the scorch marks illuminating the rusted metal drop ship might lace into my memory so I could never forget it. I'd like to think I would be brave enough to touch the medical table, let my fingers rest there for a second while I closed my eyes and tried to imagine the miracles performed in the area. Maybe the sight of vines poking through the beaten welded metal could prevent me from shaking—prevent me from thinking about the bad things that happened in the room, too.

I would have a drink with Jasper and Monty because it was long overdue. They'd be haggling me for ages about rejoining the population instead of sulking—which I definitively said I wasn't sulking—over our losses. Maybe there would be a few jokes tossed around, I might actually laugh with them—not something common, then.

But not a single item mentioned would be the thing I did first if given the time to go _back. _

I wouldn't even choose that day, despite it being one of the worsts days of my life.

If I could go back in time, even if given ten minutes on the clock, I would go back to the moment my eyes met hers. The second she called out to me, ordered me, to keep the hatch closed. I would do my damnedest to memorize her every feature—her fair skin, her sparkling eyes, her _clean _hair and the fact she didn't carry a single scrape or bruise yet on her skin. I would try to hold onto that. I honestly believe my lips would part upon seeing her, partially because it's been a lifetime and mostly because I _miss _seeing her.

"In exactly fifty-four days, our entire lives will be different. Somewhere in those fifty-four days, you're going to become one of the two people I actually give a damn about compared to anyone else in the entire universe." Knowing Clarke, she'll try to interrupt because it's her M.O. and somewhere in those short fifty-four days, I learned to read her like a book. I'd do my best to only raise and hand instead of touching her. "I'm an ass and you know it—" Even thinking about it makes me smile, "—you've told me once or twice, before…I know that it doesn't make sense, that these fifty-four days are going to be the same thing…the same struggles, the same pains, the same deaths. It doesn't make sense for me to want to relive this moment, or relive any moment I had with you because it _hurts._ But I want those fifty-four days with the struggles, with the pains, with the deaths because somehow I fall in love with you. Somehow, this moment means more to me than anything else, right now…"

I'll meet her eyes.

"I couldn't ask you to stay then, and I can't tell you…I can't tell you that I want you to just trust me and never leave in fifty-four days because I realize you need your time. But, I love you, Clarke. I'm always going to love you until the end of my days and beyond. Even if you don't come home, even if you're with someone else, even if you're dead. I'm always going to love you."

…

And even now, five years hasn't changed a damn thing.

I still love her.

And I still wait…

Until the end of my days, and beyond.

**Review. Not sure if this is a one-shot yet or not. I'm just taking a brief break from Ripple Effect to cure some writer's block. (DRAG) and I watched this episode of "How I Met Your Mother" and fell in love with Ted's speech to the mother concerning his extra "Forty-five" days. This made me sad but I kind of love it in a sick way. Let me know what you think?**


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